September 18, 2007

Nobody walks in L.A.

Posted in Life in Los Angeles at 8:57 pm by loolar

Warning: the following contains a vitriolic rant, which may have been enhanced by illegal use of HGH.*

Please tell me this annoying crap is isolated to Los Angeles.

No, I’m not talking about the traffic, although apparently, according to CNN, LA is still the worst in the country. ** And no, I’m not even talking about the drivers – after a visit back to Boston last week, it’s clear we’re no better than second place compared to those menaces. We need a new reality show*** called Emergency: Rotary! where drivers experience the centrifuge thrill of the rotary until they’re forced out of the lane into a convenient bog. How can rotaries be a good idea – they’re French. Speaking of French, why didn’t the Bush administration get around to renaming those? Shouldn’t we be calling them Freedom something? I vote for Freedom Rings of Death and Woe.

Anyway, what I’m talking about is that, just when you thought it couldn’t get more obnoxious than a “baby on board” sign, along comes a new fad in window stickers which specifically label the driver as a boob.

First are the stickers with the family drawn like stick figures in a police lineup, including various pets, or even favorite possessions (e.g., “Dad, Mom, Timmy, Fido, iPhone”). I don’t give a crap that you obviously have a religious injunction against birth control, or that you thought it was cute to give your litter names all starting with the letter F, or even what the names of your family are.

Is that sticker there so that when Granny is following your oversized gas-guzzling battleship and gets it confused with the rest of the fleet on the highway, she can check the names to be sure she’s following the correct behemoth? What deluded, egotistical, halfwit would believe anyone cares about the names of their genetic miscreants? You know who cares? The pedophile who’s going to use it to approach your kids and say, “see Timmy, how else would I know your name unless I was friends with your Dad! Now come with me!”

Way to go, dumbass.****

As bad as that is, however, it’s a far second place to this new practice of turning your car into a rolling memorial.

Nothing quite sums up the insignificance of your past existence like having, “In loving memory of Bambam, 1984 to 2006,” plastered on the rear window of a Nissan Sentra. Wow, couldn’t even rate an Altima? Sure makes it easy to “visit” the “grave” though, doesn’t it? Every time you roll over to the late shift at WalMart you can remember your loser boyfriend who dropped out of high school and killed himself trying to learn drifting in your other Sentra. Ah, the memories.

At least with a gravestone, I can decide not to, y’know, actually visit a graveyard to look at the headstones of strangers. Now I get to spend, according to CNN, 72 hours a year stuck in traffic behind your tribute to Bambam, and wondering if he’s haunting you because you used the money for an actual funeral and headstone as a down payment on your Altima.

* is there a legal use?
** it’s important to be the best at something.
*** no we don’t
**** which is the only way to actually make this sticker funny – see below.


1 Comment »

  1. Jimmy V. said,

    Those “In Loving Memory” decals on the backs of windows are almost always on a cholo mobile saying “Ignacio Ramirez, 1985–2006, RIP”. He probably died in very diginified way, like drowning in the Arctic Circle while on a Greenpeace mission bound for the ice floes to save baby seals. Sorry to any of you reading this blog who have one of these decals.

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